Kiss the Rain
well, i guess in the end i fell but no one saw and in the end, it wasnt the falling down that caused us to lose because we hardly sucked, it was something else. i just dont know what.
had a candy cane at 10:48 PM
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you're bringing on the heartbreak..
you're bringing on the heartbreak..oh yeaa..
today was well, enriching. yeap, i decided that i should'nt put my life on hold just because i haven't got anyone to go out with..no one to hang out with. i realize it's quite fine. i really wanted to send Katie's package off so yeah, got that done and it feels awesome! i had NO idea what to do tat the postoffice and i went to three postoffices because the previous 2 were closed.haha im such a ditz. yeah, and it felt really odd at first, you know, going out alone and watching all these people having fun with their friends and you're like. alone. and if you know me well, you know i dont thrive when im alone but today i actually did. okay i was pretty like weirded out when i didn't know what to do at the postoffice and i felt like a major embaarrassment but then i realized hey! i bet tons of other people have done silly things before and today's my turn. i guess i do silly things all the time like when i went up to BC and started talkin to him.lol. oh lordy i still cannot get over it, seriously, the vic i knew would've never done that but i guess she's changed.
after reading szeyen's diary i ask myself the question i havent asked myself lately, do i really have friends? do i have someone i can count on all the time? okay thats being unfair because my friends have their own lives too so i guess yes i do have friends, but not the type of friend i want to have but you see, that's fine i guess. everyone has their own lives and hey! i can't be there for everyone all the time either but you know, i just feel so alone sometimes and then when people are busy, it seems like theyre leaving me on purpose. but i get back up again and walk ahead. im such an idiot, i keep getting up just so i can let myself fall again.
But in the end, i'll only have me. and if i don't help myself up, no one will. you'd just let me fall.
had a candy cane at 9:55 PM
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You brighten up the moon and stars at night
You keep me seeing rainbows in the sky
You bring new meaning to my life, now
I believe in miracles baby I'm forever yours, yours
song of the moment: yours by mariah.
had a candy cane at 10:16 PM
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Who's gonna love you when
It all falls down, and
Who's gonna love you when
Your bankroll runs out
Who's gonna care when the novelty's over
When the star of the
Show isn't you anymore
Nobody cares when the tears of a clown
Fall down...
Nobody cares when the tears of a clown
Fall down...
im not feeling my best now. my dad went on about how i should get my friends to pay if they wanted me to bake stuff and bring them to school and like, so i'll have enough dosh to pay for the ingredients. but i cant do that, no one would wanna eat my crappy baking and why would they waste money on some lousy muffins or cookies anyway.
and my mom-oh lordy. we went grocery shopping and i needed blueberries and sour cream for muffins for my friends and she was going on about how she was trying to save cash and i was trying to spend it all and all that kinda stuff. sometimes i hate to think that my parents r unsupportive, but i do.
and then i hate to sound weak and all but sometimes i think screw baking.screw becoming a chef.screw everything.i mean, its so tremendouly important to get a degree and work hard and make lots of money.
*rolls eyes* get my drift? it really doesnt matter if its all miserable and stuff, its how this screwed up world works. and somehow it seems even more screwed up here. it's one fucking hellhole and it's eating me. and i hate it okay.i just do.
-sigh, you make me feel as if im never good enough-
maybe i shouldn't mope, you know, like wake up and realize how many other things there are in this world actually worth moping and crying over but im sorry, i really am, im selfish today. today it's all about me.
i went for lunch at nadaman, szeyen introduced it. i loved the tempura and the handroll and the teppanyaki. i was seriously full after. szeyen! how in the world can you eat that much?
but it doesn''t make me feel any better. i hate it.im grumpy and everything just feels so unreasonably wrong now.it just does.
-i wish i could yell at you to leave me alone-
had a candy cane at 5:07 PM
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hey. okay if i said im fine, im really not and i wont blame ms maria tan for not choosing me and choosing some other girl who cannot sing. i wont blame her for not opening her ears and listening to me. but i will blame myself for not rising to the occasion and i will blame myself for giving her a reason not to choose me.
yeap.
i am thankful for everyone who cared for everyone who will always be there but why is it that you all have so much faith in me , so much more than i could ever have in me. why? what do you guys see in me that i dont, because right now, i feel like i cant sing and i feel like i cant do anything right.
*i wont rise to the occasion when you try to bring me down, because you cant bring me down for long, just long enough for my to realize that i can do much better than i think i will ever do*
had a candy cane at 10:05 PM
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okay see i was going to write here sooner but i remembered i made szeyen stay up to write in her diary so i had better read it first before writing. so anyway, i had a brill time yesterday iceskating and all, think i totally improbved.whoohOo. and i was helping szeyen along the way surprisingly, im not tooo bad. hahaha.actually for a detailed description of yesterday, drop by szeyen's diary. shes like master of description.seriously.
last night i had this vivid dream as if it was real.sometimes i wish it was real. i was on the verge of crying and i wanted to go back to sleep so desperately but i couldnt. i just couldnt. sigh. you know how im always strong and always feeling confident and good and happy, what if im just acting? like you know, i do drama and maybe im just being who im suppose to be. what if im destined to be ALL alone forever... and since ive always wanted to be different (in a positive way), i wont be like average women. i'll end up with 99 cats and tons of knitting done in a night. oh lordy.this just gets worse and worse.
i believe we all have one true love,
somewhere in this world i do
lets just hope i find him soon.
moving alonnggg.. i just baked another batch of cookies using the hersheys recipe. hmm its pretty darn good. i dont fancy those cookies with this burnt taste innit so this suits me much better! yeaaah! tweedles. i just realized my writing style and szeyen's is soo different. her's is actually very well written while mine's just a pile of whatnots. oh lordy. im outie noww.Dont hate me coz im beautiful.
dont leave me in all this pain
dont leave me out in the rain
unbreak my heart
say you love me again
undo this hurt that u caused when you walked out the door
and walked out of my life
uncry these tears
ive cried so many nights.
come back and say you love me
had a candy cane at 9:23 PM
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I CANT DO THIS! no i can. no i cant!. yes i can..
okay besides mental debates, ive been getting better as in-no more throwing up(only feeling like it) and no more headaches i beg to stop. yeap. i went to school today at like 2.30 hahaha, okay i mainly went to rehearse the dance for the auds and yeah, got that done! i think we're soo good we'll bring the house down. okay im just saying that to feel better, i never feel IM good enough.the groups good though.just not me. and like i went to watch the other people aud for awhile and omg! i cannot do this, I CANNOT SING. i cannot get on stage and DO THIS DAMN THING! i cant even remember MY SONG! i need to breathe..
i can sing, yeap i can and i can win...right? oh man, this so isnt working. i need food. loadza sinful food. i hope i imrpove on physics by alot then i can eat all the sinful food, i told myself i would if i passed physics by alot.yeapp.. well, i failed my emaths, i really didnt expect to fail THAT badly. im not joking.i feel like a loser no. and NO THIS DOESNT GIVE YOU LISCENSE TO CALL ME ONE. only i can. okay so i FEEL like a loser and basically, the only thing i can do about it is to ASK MY TEACHER TO HELP ME. yeap, i'll do that. i will. and *grins slightly* i got an A1 FOR CHINESE. *does the chicken dance* yeaah! all my hard work paid off! i guess hard work DOES pay off, now i'll work hard for maths and chem. i will. uh-huh. and yeaahh you'll hear me going YEAH I GOT AN A1 FOR MATHS AND CHEM. hahaa.maybe..probably huh.
Been feeling like nothing's been going my way lately
But I decided right here, right now, that my outlook's gonna change
That's why I'm gonna
Say goodbye to all the tears I've cried
Everytime somebody hurt my pride
Feelin' like they won't let me live life
And take the time to look at what is mine
oh well, im outie.toooodlez.dont hate be coz im beautiful.
had a candy cane at 6:38 PM
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